On this page, you'll find some of the jokes, anecdotes and stories which made the Miller Man laugh. Most are totally clean, but there are one or two very slightly risque. not too much though.
The boy stood on the burning deck, whence all but he had fled..........Twit!
(by Spike Milligan)
NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE
************************************
To the citizens of the United States of America.
In the light of your failure to properly elect a President of
the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give
notice of the revocation of your independence,
effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume
monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and
other territories. Except Utah, which she does not
fancy.
Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP
for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware
that there is a world outside your borders) will
appoint a minister for America without the need for
further elections. Congress and the Senate will be
disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year
to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency,
the following rules are introduced with immediate
effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford
English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the
pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how
wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you
should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look
up "vocabulary".
Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with
filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an
unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
Look up "interspersed".
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let
Microsoft know on your behalf.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and
Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast
English actors as the good guys.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem,
"God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out
task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give
up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There
is only one kind of football. What you refer to as
American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15%
of you who are aware that there is a world outside your
borders may have noticed that no one else plays
"American" football. You will no longer be allowed to
play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the
girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave
enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which
is similar to American "football", but does not involve
stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing
full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to
get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using
nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85%
of you who were not aware that there is a world outside
your borders should count yourselves lucky. The
Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is
French for "sh#$".
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th
will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It
will be called "Indecisive Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap
and it is for your own good. When we show you German
cars, you will understand what we mean.
10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us
crazy.
Thank you for your cooperation. - God Save The Queen.
Overworked? The population of the U.S.A. is 237 million. 104 million are
retired. That means 133 million to do all the work. There are 85 million in
school, which leaves 48 million to do all the work. Of this there are now 29
million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the
work. 2.8 Million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do
the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and
City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given
time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the
work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two
people to do all the work. You and me. And you're just sitting here at your computer reading jokes.
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A selection of quotes by George "Dubya" Bush.
And just think, YOU voted for him.... :) FOTFLMAO
Not even half of you did, but enough to let the redneck in...
"Now we can execute 'em all at once with just ONE button!"
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"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
..George W. Bush, Jr.
"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."
..Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."
..Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 12/6/93
"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future. The future will be better tomorrow."
..Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
..Governor George W. Bush, Jr. to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93
"When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in LA, my answer has been direct & simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame.
..George W. Bush, Jr.
"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."
..GovernorGeorge W. Bush, Jr.
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
..Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
"Welcome to Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."
..Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
"Mars is essentially in the same orbit...Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
..Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 8/11/94
"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
.Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/15/95
"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change."
..Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 5/22/98
"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
..Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 11/30/96
"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world."
..Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/21/97
"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history."
..Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican"
..Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
..Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."
..Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 5/20/96
"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
.Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/22/97
"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
..Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/5/93
"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
.Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/18/95
"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that George Bush may or may not make."
..Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."
..Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."
..Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
"Public speaking is very easy."
..Governor George W. Bush, Jr. to reporters in 10/9
"The inhabitants of Greece are the Grecian"
..Governor George W. Bush, Jnr.
"The French don't have a word for 'Entrepreneur'"
..Governor George W. Bush, Jnr.
"The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country."
..Governor George W. Bush, Jnr.
"It's time for the human race to enter the solar system."
..Governor George W. Bush, Jnr.
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"Jackass" - This one is long but well worth reading!
In case your frustration level rises today, this is for everyone who
occasionally has a really bad day when you just need to take it out
on someone:
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a telephone call that I
had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely
saying, "Hello?"
I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and may I please speak to
Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't
believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's
correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits.
After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying on
my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more
answered, I yelled, "You're a jackass!" and hung up. Next to his
phone number I wrote the word "jackass" and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks when I was paying bills or had a really bad
day, I'd call him up. He would answer and I'd yell, "You're a
jackass!" It always cheered me up.
Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a
real disappointment for me. I would have to stop calling the jackass.
Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number and heard his
voice. "Hello?"
I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone
company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our new
caller ID program." He answered,
"No!" and slammed down the receiver. I quickly called him back and
said,
"That's because you're a jackass!"
The reason I'm taking the time to tell you this story is to show you
how if there's ever anything bothering you, you can do something
about it. Just dial 555-1212.
(Keep reading, it gets better.)
One day an old lady at the mall was really taking her time pulling
out of her parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave.
Finally, her car began to move ever so slowly and she began backing
out. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room. Great, I
thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camero
came flying up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulled
into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling,
"You can't do that, buddy! I was here first!"
The guy got out of his Camero completely ignoring me. He walked
toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself,
this guy is a jackass. There sure are a lot of jackasses in this
world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his
car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.
The next day I was at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off
the phone after calling 555-1212 and yelling,
"You're a jackass!"
(It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed
dial.)
Then I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro and
decided to call him too. After a couple of rings someone answered the
phone. I asked,
"Are you the man with the black Camaro for sale?"
"Yes."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and the
car is parked right out front."
I asked, "What's your name?"
"My name is Don Hansen."
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home in the evenings."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Sure."
"Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down.
After I hung up I added Don's number to my speed dialer. Now I had
two jackasses to call whenever I had a bad day. However this wasn't
as much fun as it used to be. So I thought about it and came up with
a solution.
First, I had my phone dial jackass #1. The man answered nicely and I
yelled, "You're a jackass!" But I didn't hang up.
The jackass said, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah."
He said, "Stop calling me."
I said, "No!"
He said, "What's your name, pal?"
I said, "Don Hansen."
He said, "Where do you live?"
"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro is
parked out front."
"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your
prayers."
"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" And I hung up.
Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, "Hello."
I said, "Hello, jackass!"
He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?"
"I'll kick your butt."
"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now, jackass!"
And I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I
told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill
my gay lover as soon as he got home. Another quick call to Channel 13
news about the gang war going down on West 34th Street. After that I
climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole
thing. Glorious!
I watched two jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front
of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter I also taped it off the
evening news!
12 Days Of Christmas (Remastered And Politically Correct)
On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my potential-acquaintance-abuse-survivor gave to me,
TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming.
ELEVEN pipers piping
(plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note...)
TEN melanin-deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,
NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,
EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,
SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,
SIX enslaved fowl-Americans producing stolen nonhuman animal products,
FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration,
(NOTE: after a member of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds,
French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)
FOUR hours of recorded whale songs,
THREE deconstructionist poets,
TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses
and a Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.
There follows a list of Bumper Stickers :-
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
He who laughs last thinks slowest!
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
"More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!"
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at maths.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
What is a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free?
"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
"
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
All generalizations are false.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a birdcage and in the cage was a parrot.
He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"
"Yes," said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief and asked the parrot: "What's your name?"
"Clarence," said the bird.
"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"
The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the pit bull Jesus."
You know you drink too much coffee when...
* Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
* You ski uphill.
* You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
* You speed walk in your sleep.
* You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack."
* You answer the door before people knock.
* You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
* You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
* You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
* You sleep with your eyes open.
* You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
* The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
* You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
* You lick your coffeepot clean.
* You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."
* You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
* You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
* Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
* You chew on other people's fingernails.
* The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
* You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
* You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
* You can jump-start your car without cables.
* Cocaine is a downer.
* All your kids are named "Joe."
* You don't need a hammer to pound in nails.
* Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
* You don't sweat, you percolate.
* You buy milk by the barrel.
* You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
* You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
* You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
* You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
* You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
* People get dizzy just watching you.
* When you find a penny, you say, "Find a penny, pick it up. Sixty-three more, I'll have a cup."
* You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
* The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
* Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
* Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
* You're so wired, you pick up FM radio.
* People can test their batteries in your ears.
* Your life's goal IS to "amount to a hill of beans."
* Instant coffee takes too long.
* You channel surf faster without a remote.
* When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
* You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
* You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life.
* Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
* You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
* You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
* You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
* You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
* You get drunk just so you can sober up.
* You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.
* Your Thermos is on wheels.
* Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
* You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
* You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
* You short out motion detectors.
* You have a conniption over spilled milk.
* You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
* Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
* You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
* You don't tan, you roast.
* You don't get mad, you get steamed.
* Your three favorite things in life are... coffee before and coffee after.
* Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee to get you in the mood.
* You can't even remember your second cup.
* You help your dog chase its tail.
* You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
* Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
* You introduce your spouse as your "Coffeemate."
* You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."
* Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
A man was walking home alone late one night when he
hears a.......
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP... behind him.
Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of
the street towards him...
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him ...
faster...
faster...
BUMP...
BUMP....
BUMP.
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in,slams and locks the door behind him ...
However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping ...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
on the heels of the terrified man.....
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the coffin starts breaking down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him.
The man screams and reaches for something heavy, anything ... his hand comes to rest on a large bottle of Robitussin.
Desperate, he throws the Robitussin as hard as he can at the apparition.
The coffin stops....
Valentines Day (Rules for Women)
1) SportsCenter starts at 9:00 PM and runs an hour. This is a great time to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer or talk to your sister.
2) Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game do, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.
3) Unlike you, we essentially want to dress just exactly like all our friends. Thus, you need not go much further than the Gap, J. Crew or the local Pantagonia store.
4) If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?
5) Butthead is the smart one.
6) Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?
7) You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.
8) Silence does not need to be filled with discussions about "us" and "the relationship."
9) Things you should let us do alone: figuring out where we are, watching anything on TBS, playing cards, smoking cigars and picking out the beer.
10) Socks never constitute a gift.
11) Department stores and malls were designed so that when you want to look at bed linen, shower curtains or handbags, there are always some speakers, tires or sporting equipment nearby.
12) We don't know anything about handbags. Don't even ask.
13) We did water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why this happens.
14) Even if you think he's cute, Kevin Costner can't act.
15) Of course, neither can Elle McPherson, but she had the good sense to do "Sirens" rather than "Waterworld."
16) Curley is the bald one.
17) Compromise does not mean that we abandon our position in favor of yours.
18) Sports Illustrated is a better magazine than Cosmopolitan. Just accept that.
19) Its in neither your interest nor ours to take the Quiz together.
20) Sex on a weeknight is generally welcome. Three hours of post-coital conversation is not.
21) Dinner out is a pretty good birthday present. Two tickets to a ball game are even better.
22) No, you can't have the remote control.
Laws of Work
The first 90% of a project takes 90% of the time; the last 10% takes the other 90% of the time.
If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
It doesn't matter what you do. It only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Eat one live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous".
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
Following the rules will not get the job done.
Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.
Top 10 Biblical Ways To Acquire A Wife
10. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. --Deuteronomy 21
9. Find a prostitute and marry her. --Hosea (Hosea 1)
8. When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a...woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me." --Samson (Judges 14)
7. Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock. --Moses (Exodus 2)
6. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. --Boaz (Ruth 4)
5. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. --Benjamites (Judges 21)
4. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you a rib. --Adam (Genesis 2)
3. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a woman. --Jacob (Genesis 29)
2. Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. --Solomon (1 Kings 11)
1. A wife?...NOT!!! --Paul (1 Corinthians 7)
How To Drive WOMEN Crazy!!!
1. Call her by the dog's name and then deny it.
2. Answer all her questions with a question, preferably one on a totally different subject.
3. Superglue the commode seat in the up position.
4. Shrink her jeans and when she overreacts because she thinks that she's gaining weight, give her a condescending smile and say that you prefer her with some meat on her bones.
5. Firmly refuse to ever ask for directions even if you find yourself in Georgia when your original destination was California.
6. Call her by your mother's name and then deny it.
7. Start a conversation with the dog in the middle of one with her.
8. Buy her power tools for Valentine's Day.
9. Never give her a straight answer.
10. Take up yodelling and practice a lot.
11. Quote Tim Allen to validate your position during arguments. (Argh! Argh! Argh!)
12. Leave the newspaper open to an ad for plastic surgery.
13. Pretend you forgot how to speak English.
14. Answer every question with "Yes, dear." (Use with caution as PMS is a valid murder defense in many states.)
Top 10 reasons computers are male
10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
9. A better model is always just around the corner.
8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
7. It is always necessary to have a backup.
6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
3. The lights are on but nobody's home.
2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
1. Size does matter.
Top 10 reasons compilers must be female
10. Picky, picky, picky.
9. They hear what you say, but not what you mean.
8. Beauty is only shell deep.
7. When you ask what's wrong, they say "nothing".
6. Can produce incorrect results with alarming speed.
5. Always turning simple statements into big productions.
4. Smalltalk is important.
3. You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it's wrong.
2. They make you take the garbage out.
1. Miss a period and they go wild.
(from a guys point of view) - ALL GIRLS SHOULD KNOW THAT.....
-You are not fat. let me say that again... YOU ARE NOT FAT. Quit bugging us about it.
-Dogs are always better than cats.
-We do not think of you 24-7.
-It takes us 10 minutes to get ready. It shouldn't take you 10 hours.
-On Sunday, it is time for sports. You have no possible way of changing that.
-We call you as much as we can, but if we don't call, it doesn't mean we hate you, it just means we don't want a 5,000 dollar phone bill.
-We may act like idiots, but we aren't. Just as you say to us, if you lie to us, we will find out eventually.
-Don't be offended or anything, but if we glance at your chests when we are talking to you, it is because of this sort of insticnt. Sorry.
-Stay as nice as you are.
-And one more thing, you don't need makeup for us to know how hot you are. You will always look good no matter what.
Rules that guys wished girls knew.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever...
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present.
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
6. Don't ask what he's thinking unless you're prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, shotgun formation, and monster trucks.
7. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides, let it be.
8. Shopping is not a sport.
9. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
10. You have enough clothes.
11. You have too many shoes.
12. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot, and your father is beyond idiot.
13. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
14. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
15. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
16. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissable in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
17. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
18. Women wearing wonderbras or low-cut blouses lose their rights to complain about having their boobs stared at.
19. Consider golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you.
20. Telling us that the models in the men's magazine are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty, and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.
21. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like the soap opera guys.
22. Your mom doesn't have to be our best friend.
23. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
24. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
25. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
26. Get rid of your cat. And No, it's not different, it's just like any other cat.
27. Dogs are better than any cats. Period.
28. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex:
1. A below par performance is considered good.
2. Can stop in the middle and down a couple of beers.
3. Much easier to find the sweet spot.
4. Foursomes are encouraged.
5. Can make money doing it as a senior.
6. 3 times a day is not unheard of.
7. Partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you do it with someone else.
8. If you move to Florida, you can do it every day.
9. Don't have to cuddle with your partner after you have finished.
10. If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can always replace it.
GOOD-BAD-WORSE
Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Worse: Your daughter has them.
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Worse: You're in them.
Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a crossdresser.
Worse: He looks better than you.
Good: Your son's finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Worse: So are you.
Good: You give the birds and bees speech to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Worse: With corrections.
Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Worse: She's a lawyer.
Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad: The postman had the same idea.
Worse: You have to wait.
Murphy's Law of Computing
1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.
5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
6. To err is human . . . to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.
7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.
9. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
10. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
11. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.
It's great to be a man because...
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.
You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
You don't have to learn to spell a new last name.
You can leave the motel bed unmade.
You can kill your own food.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: "He must be mad at me.
"
Same work...more pay.
Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
Wedding dress - $2,000. Tuxedo rental - 75 bucks.
You don't mooch off others' desserts.
You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
At least a few belches are expected and tolerated.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.
This guy says to his buddy, "You'll never believe what
happened last night."
His buddy says, "Well then, tell me what happened."
The guy says, "Last night the doorbell rang, and when I
opened the door, there was my ex-mother-in-law on the
front porch."
She said, "Can I stay here for a few days?"
I said, "Of course, you can," and shut the door.
There are several men in the locker room of a private
club after exercising.
Suddenly a cell phone that was on one of the benches
rings. A man picks it up and the following
conversation ensues:
* Hello?
* Honey, It's me.
* Sugar!
* Are you at the club?
* Yes.
* Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are.
I saw a beautiful mink coat... It is absolutely
gorgeous!! Can I buy it?
* What's the price?
* Only $1,500.00
* Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that
much...
* Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership
and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I
spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good
price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we
bought last year...
* What price did he quote you?
* Only $60,000...
* OK, but for that price I want it with all the
options.
* Great!, before we hang up, something else...
* What?
* It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your
bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent
this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last
year ... it's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool,
English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront
property...
* How much are they asking?
* Only $450,000... a magnificent price, and I see that
we have that much in the bank to cover...
* Well, than go ahead and buy it, but just bid
$420,000. OK?
* OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love
you!!!
* Bye... I do too...
The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and raises
his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those
present:
* Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?
"Toddler Property Laws"
1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my hands, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a week ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it looks just like mine, it's mine.
8. If I think it's mine, it's mine.
9. If it it's near me, it's mine.
10.If it's broccoli, it's yours.
Beer Troubleshooting
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.
SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.
SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.
SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.
SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.
Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is
heating up. But then the wife stops and says, "I don't feel like it,
I just want you to hold me."
The husband says "WHAT??"
The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a
Woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight
and he might as well deal with it. So the next day the husband takes
her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and has her try on
three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife. We'll take all
three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200
each. And then goes to the Jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond
earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped
out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet.
The
husband says "but you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it
then lets get it."
The wife is jumping up and down so excited she
cannot even believe what is going on. She says, "I am ready to go,
lets go to the cash register."
The husband says," no - no - no, honey
we're not going to buy all this stuff."
The wife's face goes
blank.
"No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."
Her face gets really red and she is about to explode and then the
Husband says, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a
Man!!!
While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern
Arizona cafe......four elderly ranchers were discussing
everything from cattle, horses, weather...to how
things used to be in the "good old days."
Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses.
One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and
asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your
fiftieth wedding anniversary soon?"
"Yup, we sure are," Roy replied.
"Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?"
another man asked.
The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then
replied....."For our twenty-fifth anniversary, I took
Bea to Tucson....Maybe for our fiftieth, I'll go down
there and get her."
A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for
speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer
about his speed, and in general began to throw his
weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the
ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at
some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle
flies there, are ya?"
The trooper stopped writing the
ticket and said - "Well yeah, if that's what they are,
I never heard of circle flies".
So the farmer says- "Well, circle flies are common on
farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're
almost always found circling around the back end of a
horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the
ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, " Hey---
wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses ass?"
The farmer says, ""Oh no, officer. I have too much
respect for law enforcement and police officers to even
think about calling you a horses ass."
The Trooper
says, " Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to
writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them
flies though."
A guy gets home, runs into his house, slams the door
and says, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!
The wife says, "Wow! That's great! I'm so happy!!
Should I pack for the ocean, or should I pack for the
mountains?
He says, "I don't care. Just get the hell out."
A man had six children and was very proud of his
achievement. He was so proud of himself that he
started calling his wife, "Mother of Six," in
spite of her objections.
One night they went to a party. The man decided
that it was time to go home, and wanted to find
out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He
shouted at the top of his voice, "Shall we go
home, Mother of Six?"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of
discretion shouted back, "Anytime you're ready,
Father of Four!"
A young man walks into a supermarket and buys a bar of soap, a toothbrush, toothpaste, a loaf of bread, a container of milk, two boxes of cereal and a frozen dinner.
The girl at the cash register looks at him and says, "Single, huh?"
The man replies very sarcastically, "How did you guess?
She replies, "Because you're ugly."
Many more to be added shortly......Sorry, I must stop calling you shortly :)
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